Friday, February 08, 2008

So what's been going on then...? you want the short answer or the long one? Who am I kidding? ...Of course you want the long answer, else you wouldn't have been kind enough to keep popping in here, wondering when the hell I was going to bob up again and put you out of your misery! (That, by the way, is my incredibly flippant way of thanking you from the bottom of my heart for continuing to care and waiting patiently for me to pull myself out of whatever dark rabbithole I had disappeared down...)

So. The Big Feller and I have separated. At the same time (and partly as a catalyst) we had to move out of the house we were living in. A busy beginning to the year, don't you think?

Sorry...I'm being really flippant again, and perhaps you might feel I'm doing it as a coping mechanism. These are serious changes, and there are many feelings I have yet to release and explore. But, at the heart of it, I am happy. Yes, I am making light of it, and yes, that is a bit of self-protection - but, considering that I'm currently living in limbo (otherwise known as a little bedsit under the village doctor's surgery) while I wait for a house in the village to become available for myself and the wee man, after calling it quits in my 10-year relationship due to all sorts of mental, emotional and financial stress and mishandling (I hesitate to use the word "abuse" because I don't want to feel like a victim), I think a little levity is a healthy response.

After a certain amount of reactivity and game-playing, the Big Feller seems to have taken it pretty well. I feel he has actually quite quickly realised that this is the best thing for all of us. Very early on in the process, we were able to establish that the wee man's well-being was our No. 1 priority, and with that in mind we seem to have negotiated our way through the tricky waters of care and custody, and division of our (very minimal!) property, with the minimum of drama.

To be frank, I'm surprised. And very, very grateful. After all, I did love this man very much for a long time, and thought that I could spend a lifetime with him - so glad that that person came to the fore, and not the aspects of him which have eroded so much of my love and respect over recent years.

The wee man is taking it all in his stride as young children so often do. Perhaps a little more fragile than usual, taking the opportunity after minor falls to have a good long cry, but generally adjusting to the changes with cheerful grace and a child's opportunistic eye to the advantages (the first 2 weekends with Dad have resulted in a return with several new trains for his Thomas collection - he was planning his next addition out loud today, despite a conversation about why that was not a good idea...). His father still wants to be a big part of his life - the plan is for the wee man to be picked up every Friday afternoon, and return either to me or preschool on Monday morning.

Which is also leaving me with something which I had not even considered...time for myself. Doesn't that sound naive? I really hadn't given it much thought - and yes, part of me felt that the Big Feller might not stay around after the split had sunk in. Slipping into the third weekend of our shared care agreement, I have a sense of the new shape my world can begin to take - a long-missed Saturday morning yoga class that I'll be off to in the morning, a friend and a couple of glasses of red wine perhaps in the afternoon, a movie?! (And that's not even taking into account the opportunities for blogging...)

Oh, and the kitten? Still with the wee man and me...and he's a she! Shows how distracted I was that first of my girlfriends pointed it out (or the absence of "IT', to be precise!), and Stuart has become Mahlia.


baby~amore' said...

Glad to see you back.
Words fail me regarding what to say about you and the big feller.{hugs}
I hope it all works out for you.I am in awe that you both have put the wee man first.
I hope a new home comes up soon for you & wee man.
You have the strength to continue of this path and may you relish in the new doors opening for you. Yoga sounds good and the wine too.

CelloBella said...

It sounds as if this was a hard decision but the right one.

Kids are amazing aren't they?

And although I know it must be horrendously tough to have made your choice, I can't help but feel slightly envious of that yoga class. :)

You've been missed.

Joh said...

I have found over the years that having my own time, whilst kids were with ex-husband to truly be the silver lining in the whole marriage breakup pain. It has kept me sane.
Kids are as able to cope with separation as you let them be. Sounds like you are going to be healthy and loving - good for you.
Thinking of you at this transition time.

tiff said...

So good to see you back and posting again. Was really worried.
You have had a turbulent start to the year and i hope that things settle down for you and the wee man (and the big fella) quickly.

You have been very missed.

mountainmama said...

Thanks, lovely people...hugs all round!

Didn't make that yoga class...I slept in, which was just as good! Do you know how long it's been...? (Yes, I'm sure the mamas do!)

It's heart-warming to know I've been missed. It's funny - even though I'm "alone" now, I don't feel lonely anymore.

JCK said...

I am SO glad you are back! I am sorry to hear that you and your man separated, but you sound good. Here's to going after happiness and putting wee man's needs first!

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