Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Feeling Fragile

It's true.

I've been flying high for the first few weeks, feeling confident and strong and guided. Knowing I'd made the right decision, pleasantly surprised by how well the Big Feller has ended up behaving, after all my fears.

Euphoria, by nature temporary, has worn off somewhat and has left me softened, a little blue. The wee man comes home from his weekends with his father quite happily, but I am beginning to feel the disquiet that comes with being the boring, the authoritarian, the week-day parent, and to fear the glamour of the fun "weekend" Dad.

The Big Feller makes no secret of the fact that he would love the wee man to live more permanently with him (and I understand and respect that any loving parent would wish for the same thing) - but the simple truth of the matter is that he has issues which I left him for, and they are not just going to go away, and I genuinely don't believe it would be good for the wee man to be with him more than he is. Being the good-time, weekend Dad is perfect for him. He can put the hard stuff aside, bring out the best of himself, and be special for his boy. I just hope he will leave it at that, and not try to convince the wee man otherwise. And I know that we're the grown-ups, and with due respect for the wee man's wishes, we (and the courts and other interested bodies) will make the final decisions about what is best for him...and that there are a lot of parties who know or have a good idea of what our life was like before...

Maybe the problem is that I've got a lot of hurt and frustration and anger which is still unexpressed and dealt with, which leaves me overly sensitive and vulnerable. I know I could do with some good counselling - friends and love and hugs and family are all very well, but some of the raw emotion I feel in my dark moments needs a safe and perhaps dispassionate venue for release, and a sure hand to guide me back through it to myself.

I know my little man loves me, and perhaps he is more sure of my love and can therefore test me more. I know I made the very best choice for him, and for me, and that some days, yes, I am going to feel blue.


Cecily said...

Mountain mama... my heart is feeling your pain and, is it lostness? Who are you as a mum in this new place? It sounds like you have some great perspective and self talk going on even in the tough, emotional, blue moments though. I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find a good way to view and manage the situation. Hugs to you.

JCK said...

It is so wonderful that you are writing about all of this. And writing so well! A good counselor is a gem. I hope you find one, if you desire and continue to write here. Hang in there. It sounds like you are taking care of the wee man beautifully.

mountainmama said...

Thanks for your loving supportive comments - writing about how I was feeling certainly helped, and having such responses is balm for the soul too.
Sadly ironic, JCK - apparently I (and just about every other writer, I think, if history is anything to go by) write better when in emotional pain. The tortured soul of the artist, and all that...Bugger that! lol

tiff said...

Oh hun,
This is all so hard and I understand that hurt and second guessing.

I don't really have much to offer you. Only hugs and hope that there are lots of sunny days ahead.

mountainmama said...

Hugs are good...gratefully accepted! :)

Smiler said...

This is such a touching post, I really felt for you while reading it. You know how to express your feelings so well and that is a beautiful thing. You've touched on issues that so many single moms face. I know because I was raised by one who happened to share a lot of her misgivings with me. But as someone I know would say about such situations... it's allllll good. :-)

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