Saturday, November 08, 2008

He thinks he's getting away with it...

...but he's not sure. I'm not ranting, or even mentioning how his behaviour has impacted us. In the corner of his mind, warning flags are flying: "...when she doesn't say something, look out!".

There's two reasons for my silence.

Losing my temper is wasted energy anyway. He takes no notice regardless, and it simply gives him an excuse to cut off any discussions at all. I am biding my time. In two months, we will have been separated for 12 months. In 2 months, I will be seeking a divorce. I will be formalising the arrangements surrounding the wee man. The court will hear the situation, and we will have to do a mediation session, and he will hear from people, other than me, how his behaviour affects his son.

Probably won't make a blind bit of difference.

Oh, and the other reason?

Because the rest of the time, when he's not around, I am happy. Since I know from long experience that much of his behaviour is just trying to pull me down to his level, I need him to see me how I am now...happy.


cecily said...

wow... nearly twelve months already. time goes quickly. I love that feeling of being able to stand back and think about what kind of person I would like to present to others. Nice place to be.

mike macgirvin said...

Just a thought - If you need for him to see you as you are now - you may still be playing the game.

The opposite of love is indifference.

mountainmama said...

It's an interesting thought, Mike, and it made me stop and consider.

In context, though, what I meant was I need to break the cycle of reaction to his moods and behaviours, and be fully myself...happy and whole, and yes, indifferent to him and all his stuff. And he needs to see and understand that.

I have no need, wish or interest to play games with him - frankly, without the boyo, I doubt we would even still be in touch.

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