The Shape of Things

I came in tonight expecting to blow the dust off and chat with my last remaining subscriber, so I'm rather touched and gratified that there is still a little huddle of you patiently waiting for me to breeze in at my leisure.

Leisure is, in fact, in short supply 'round my casa at present as the changes I have been alluding to for a while have become my reality.

Uni has started, and I am coming to grips with the site and the learning materials; it's certainly a challenge doing it externally, as I don't have the comfort of routine and structure already created for me, but must make my own. I began by devoting 2 days of my working week (Thursday and Friday) to my readings, coursework and online lectures.

The other 3 days were meant to be devoted to my fledgling freelance business (but more about that in a moment), and (trying) to write and market my own ventures, including a shiny new blog.

Now, before I go any further, I've been thinking long and hard about a few things to do with identity and online privacy and all that razzmatazz. This blog has been filled with so much of my lint-filled navel gazing, and is rather personal in nature; especially in its infancy, when I was still married, I trod a very delicate line between revealing my true feelings and maintaining a degree of discretion I felt I owed my then-husband and little boy. And so, because I was showing pictures of us, and talking about personal things, I maintained a certain level of anonymity.

In my new work, I am going the opposite way, and am consciously setting out to be known for who I am, and what I think and do. In my new blog, I am also blogging about being a single mother, but this time I am talking from the perspective of a specialist, if you like - I shy from the word "expert" because I am far from expert, but I want to initiate a conversation for and with and particularly relevant to single mothers, so it's less about me as a person as such, and more about me as an entity, a brand, for want of a better word.

With all of that in mind, my initial impulse was to avoid drawing the line between this blog and my new one, to maintain my relative anonymity here. However, so much of my learning in the last few months has dwelt on the power of communities; what counts, in the social media/marketing/business world is what we women have long known - that relationships count, and making genuine connections with people is the only meaningful way to build a business in the long term. I have nothing to hide here - what I have shared I have done with sensitivity and respect for the other people involved, and it will ever be so. If my ex comes off looking like a shit sometimes, well, that's because he is. ;)

Mainly, I kept thinking about all of you, wonderful people that you are, who have cheered, uplifted and supported me through the highs and lows of the last few years, and how it made perfect sense to share with you the next part of my journey. This is not about business - nothing in my new blog is monetized yet, and when it is, I have absolutely no expectations that you are going to race over there and buy anything (though should you choose to, that'll be lovely, of course ;) ). It's about sharing the next exciting stage of my life with my friends. You have my back-story; now, you might like to get to know me on a different level. Or not. Your choice.

But, if you do want to come check out what I'm up to these days, drop over to The Successful Single Mama and say "Hi!". I'm still struggling to learn more about Wordpress and make the blog look and work the way I envision, so treat it as a work-in-progress - there will be changes to come, and I've got lots of content and ideas to implement yet. I'd love to see you there, and hear your thoughts. :)

Oh, and regarding the freelancing? It was working too well - trying to meet client's deadlines meant I was putting my uni work behind, and my own work even further back(like these blogs). It was lovely to know that I could do it; that people liked my work and were willing to pay for it, but it was coming at too high a price. Most importantly, it was really unfair on the little man, who had a grumpy, frenetic stress-bag for a mother.

In the last couple of weeks, I have decided to put freelancing on the back-burner, and focus on my studies and my own writing for now, until I can reach a comfortable place where I think I can do more. I've beat myself up a bit over this, as I know lots of people who seem to manage to juggle far more. However, I've begun to think we've sold ourselves a real lemon with this whole 'multi-tasking' thing. I suspect it makes us less productive, at least in terms of the quality of our output. And so, I'm being kinder to myself, and chunking things down - when the time is right, I know that I will be able to integrate freelancing into my workload, but that time is not now.

And so, here I am, revealed to you at last. You can still keep up with me here - I'd like to continue to share the more everyday, personal side of my life here, and chuck out the odd recipe and P&C exploit - yes, we've moved on from the preschool committee. Oh, and a word about the little man; I think he has outgrown 'the wee man', don't you? You'll hear about him, here and elsewhere, as 'the boyo' these days. :)

My name is Tracy Rudd, and I am a writer and blogger. Forget the 12 step program - I like how I am. Read about me here, or at http://www.thesuccessfulsinglemama.com, or find me @ruddygood on Twitter and chivvy me back to my studies or writing. :) xxx

Cricket song

The cricket song is reverberating in my ears now, as the last of the light fades. It's funny - moments after stepping out of the car this weekend, my brother's girlfriend was asking me what all the noise was, and it took a moment's pause and a re-tuning of my mental filters before I realized she was referring to the crickets. And yes, they ARE loud.

In our own everyday environment, we become used to certain sounds, smells, sights. In my world, much of the light and colour and sound comes from my little boy. He was long-ago nicknamed "the EveryReady Kid" (a nod to a battery advertisement) for his astonishing energy and ability to be "on", and on the go, from the moment he opens his eyes till the moment his eyes (and mouth) finally close.

Right now, for all the incredible reverberations of the crickets and the murmur of the TV in the background, my house is quiet. It's not unusual for him not to be here - he spends every second weekend with his father, and has been doing 4 days a week at preschool this year. Yet, somehow, when his father picked him up for their Christmas holiday in Northern Queensland, something stilled inside my house, and within me. This will be the first time my little man sees Christmas in without me, and me without him.

Sadness is probably not the right word for the feeling I'm experiencing. Fairness demands that I recognize that his father has already been through this last year, when I took the wee man to my mother's for Christmas, and I'm nothing if not fair.

Part of me is actually quite exultant at the unique pleasure of a quiet, stress-free, totally-mine-to-do-as-I-please Christmas week. I've an invite to a street party on Christmas Eve, which I'm looking forward to, but apart from a last bit of shopping and groceries tomorrow I plan to make like a hermit, and immerse myself in writing and developing the various projects I am setting up for the New Year. (More on that in the near future...look, I'm even going to have time to blog!)

Yet, as well as fair I'm also honest, and it's true that not being able to watch my baby's face light up as he realizes that, once again, the magic of Christmas has touched his world and the jolly fellow in the red suit has heeded his dreams is going to be worthy of the odd tearful moment.

But don't feel sorry for me. Think about all the things I'm going to get done! After all, it's so quiet....

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme

The last night of the school holidays for us – yay! We’re both looking forward to the start of the new year of preschool (the wee man’s last before moving on to “big school”). I have not used my camera much again – couple of unmissable episodes of “cuteness” are all I have for you. It’s about time I exercised my creativity again, pointed it at something other than cute kids and animals (though I know we all enjoy them anyway).

A stroll across to Lotus at Sarcastic Mom should find you some serious A.R.T. photography – that, or some more cute tushies and fluffy bunnies.

This is a sketch I did one night of the wee man in his ‘jammies that he hasn’t wanted to wipe off – he asked me to take photos of it so he can use his MegaSketcher again…lol.

Cheeky imp

The furry babies like to hang together – Mahlia and Rusty

Yup, it’s that pirate again. Eye eye, Captain!

What can you do with a face like this, except love it?

Weekly Winners Sunday Meme- Can I play catch-ups?

Let's not talk about how long it's been since I've stumped up for Weekly Winners - indulge me, by ooh-ing and aah-ing at the gorgeous Aussie Christmas the wee man and I shared with my family up on the Sunshine Coast of Queensland. It was warm, fun, relaxed and a wonderful antidote to the tainted memories of past Christmases.

And say "Hi" to the gorgeous Lotus (Sarcastic Mom), whose fabulous institution is the Weekly Winners. Give her a big hug while you're there - just because...




The wee man adored doing workouts with his Uncle J







The self-titled Saucepan Man (How many readers of the Magic Faraway Tree here?)




Gorgeous beach afternoons, each of us to our own passions: me, with my camera; the wee man, sand and water; my mum, her yoga; Rusty, socialising...


























Christmas Eve...






And then it was Christmas Day...














...back to the beach...





...before home for the Christmas BBQ. These 2 just as fascinated with fire as last year!

He thinks he's getting away with it...

...but he's not sure. I'm not ranting, or even mentioning how his behaviour has impacted us. In the corner of his mind, warning flags are flying: "...when she doesn't say something, look out!".

There's two reasons for my silence.

Losing my temper is wasted energy anyway. He takes no notice regardless, and it simply gives him an excuse to cut off any discussions at all. I am biding my time. In two months, we will have been separated for 12 months. In 2 months, I will be seeking a divorce. I will be formalising the arrangements surrounding the wee man. The court will hear the situation, and we will have to do a mediation session, and he will hear from people, other than me, how his behaviour affects his son.

Probably won't make a blind bit of difference.

Oh, and the other reason?

Because the rest of the time, when he's not around, I am happy. Since I know from long experience that much of his behaviour is just trying to pull me down to his level, I need him to see me how I am now...happy.

I knew it wouldn't be easy.

(No, I'm not already freaking out about NaBloPoMo, though goodness knows I've come into it a lot less prepared than '07. This time last year, I had some lists of possible blog topics and hot links in case the muse ran out on me. This time, I'm running blind...)

I meant the challenge that I faced, to negotiate the minefield that is co-parenting. Given all that I knew about the wee man's Dad, it was never going to be a cake-walk...

I had written much more on this subject, and was prepared to post it, when I reflected on something I remember another blogger saying once; about how she was conscious of the future when her kids, curious about what their old Ma got up to in her younger days, grew old and unwise enough to follow their mother's cyber trail on the Web and read all the embarrassing and intimate details of their babyhood and early childhood on her blog.

So, baby, for your sake I'm not going to tell everybody in detail how absolutely sucky I think your Dad is right now, how deeply sad I am at his selfishness in not recognising how his actions are affecting you, about why I am so profoundly disappointed that a person who I once invested all my love and trust and faith in can't even manage to rise above his shortcomings for your sake.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. Without him you wouldn't exist, and I know you love him deeply, but I'm sorry for the world of hurt and disappointment I've let you in for by choosing him to be your father. I hope he manages to be half the man I think he is capable of being, to do the very best he can by you, because right now I don't think his efforts amount to a fart in a snowstorm.

(I'm writing this when you are four-and-a-half...you've never experienced a snowstorm, but you'll laugh your head off at any sentence that contains the word "fart". You probably still do.)

I love to hear you laugh. Right now, your eyes contain a woundedness I never wanted to see - it's not just me noticing it, but it is up to me to do everything I can to make things better for you. I can only count on myself in this.

You're resilient and smart and sensitive, but far too young to be able to understand the nuances of your father's behaviour. I see you blaming yourself for all the stuff you don't understand, thinking that there is something wrong in you, and that is the only mistake you make...you are perfect, baby. You are a four-and-a-half year old mind in the body of a four-and-a-half year old boy; your father has the mind of a four-and-a-half year old boy in the body of a man.

My most fervent wish is that I can help you grow and integrate all these experiences and feelings in such a way that you don't become another wounded child walking around in the body of an adult. There are far too many of them (and I probably wouldn't entirely exclude myself from that category). As I type this tonight, I pray that you might be able to tell me, one day, that I got my wish...

No more suspense

While I'm sure I'll take more (and better) photos, here's a couple of the wee man's new look hair-style.













After more than 24 hours since he came home I'm beginning to get used to it, even love it, but it marks a much bigger change than I imagined. He looks so much older! And I feel a little sad about it, too, because he lost a little uniqueness when he lost his hair... he looks like lots of other little boys now. I mean, he IS unique and still very beautiful to me, but you could see that cloud of golden curls coming down the street, you know what I mean? Oh well, I guess you can still see the bright red metal prosthetic leg a fair way down the street too...? LOL!

Contrary to popular opinion...

...I have not been abducted by aliens.

For some reason, which I have been unable to specifically formulate but instead have been idly examining in the privacy of my own head, I have drifted away from the habit of blogging and immersion in the blogging world.

There's some superficial explanations, like how immensely frustrating I found it being back on dialup this year, and how much that limited my enjoyment of the Net in general, and blogging (both writing and reading) particularly. And how caught I became in real-time activities like the campaign and preschool etc.

Ultimately, I think that blogging and the blogging world gave me a much-needed sanctuary, an escape, when so much of my life was going shit-side-up. Now, as things in my life are taking shape in ways which are generally pleasing and satisfying and sometimes just plain time-consuming, I have lost the habit of blogging as the need that it filled (to be heard, to be understood) has fallen away. I'm happy (mostly). It's on a level almost below sensing, like a sub-sonic hum - it has replaced the hum of misery which was there before. People tell me I look happy, whatever that means.

I might have forgotten blogging for a while, but I haven't forgotten the amazing people I have met while blogging, and I have been thinking of you and occasionally dropping in quietly on a few of you when I can. (Trish, Tiff, you two are particularly in my thoughts...you have had a VERY tough year, and I am still here cheering you on, awed by your courage and humour as ever. Cec and JCK - catching up real soon!)

For those of you who have been crazy kind enough to hang in there waiting for me to bob up again, here's a quick summary of the last couple of months:

The Election

- I ran for Council after all, but only on the bottom of the ticket to support the group and our leader who, I am thrilled to say, got on to Council. And what a Council!

We have a lady Mayor, Jenny Dowell, who I had the immense pleasure of getting to know a little through the campaign - she is a person of courage and grace and integrity, which has been incredibly tested as she was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days after winning the election! She is having a mastectomy on Tuesday, and fully intends to be at the first official meeting of council the week after. The community at large is sending her a massive amount of goodwill, love and support, shocked that she faces this crisis so soon after her triumphant win, but I'm sure that she is winning even more supporters by her honesty and dignity in sharing this terrible time with us, and Breast Cancer Awareness Month has got itself its new best advocate.

We have a Green female Deputy Mayor, Vanessa Ekins, and we have a great mix of progressive and fairly young councillors making up the majority of the council, with only 3 of the original dominating conservative "Six-pack" voting bloc remaining. Clearly, the community has spoken out for change, and I am really happy to have been part of the process. I wanted to make a change in our council, and see a better representation of women, and I helped achieve that without having to be a part of it myself...

...This time. I have had some feedback from some of the wonderful people I worked with in this campaign, to the effect that I have "...a shining future in local government" if I want it. The group who worked behind the scenes to support our party (including some of those who supported the claim of the other local candidate) are keen to work with me, and him, and others, to continue to support our man on council, and make long-term plans for the next elections, four years hence. Looks like my career in politics isn't over yet.



We Moved

- The wee man and I have moved on from one-room living, and now have more than enough room to swing a cat (and she loves it!) In fact, we have a lovely little 3 bedroom house with a jungle of a garden, and our darling dog Rusty was returned by the wee man's dad when we moved, so we are a very happy little family.

We have our own rooms ( I can't tell you how grateful I am not to take 2 steps and then trip on Thomas the Tank Engine or Alfie or Harvey or whoever the hell little metal engine was sticking into my instep...?!), the wee man is sleeping through the night (most nights) in his OWN room in his OWN bed, and I am experiencing that amazing phenomenon where you shut your eyes and then you open them again and it's morning...wtf? It's only been nearly 5 years. (Humble apologies to anyone not currently experiencing this phenomenon - I'm not boasting...oh, okay...maybe a little bit.)

It's been wonderful to get all my things out of storage after nearly nine months, and while a few boxes have been shoved into cupboards unopened, generally the place is looking and feeling like Home. (I can't wait till next weekend when various members of my family will be arriving to help celebrate my birthday, and will get to see it.)
















I Had a Haircut

- More importantly, a haircut I LOVE! In fact, it's six weeks this week since it was cut and I am itching to go back for a trim, but my newly-discovered treasure of a hairdresser has had the gall to be off sick this week...lol!




And So Has The Wee Man

- Photos to follow...I haven't even seen it yet!?! He's away this long weekend with his Dad, and they rang me on the Friday to tell me he had been to the barber and he now had "little hair"! (Don't worry - this was a previously discussed decision. In fact, I had promised the wee man he could cut it as soon as the weather warmed up, but I drew the line at the Number One with the clippers that his father was itching to do!)


So...as I said, Life is generally good. Not perfect, nor necessarily easy, but good. Satisfying. Promising. And sometimes, laugh-out-loud great...

A (Very) Short Career in Politics: Pt 2

Hmmm...serious bit of bad soap opera, leaving you hanging like that - I didn't plan it that way! That's no way to treat my 17 remaining patient and dedicated subscribers; "Love youse all!" as a particularly articulate (not) Aussie boxer is wont to say. (With particular linky love to my dear Cecily, who was egging me on to finish almost before I'd stopped typing...LOL)

So, the phone call.

The party leader is a very nice bloke. We have enjoyed getting to know each other, and kicking around ideas the last few weeks. He sounded distinctly uncomfortable as he told me that certain members of the party, all from one community group, felt that they would be "better represented" on council by another candidate (from their group) who had only just decided he was willing to have a shot at it.

As background to that, this group has been working particularly hard together over nearly two years to represent their village (mine, as it happens) in the fight against a particularly odious development proposed for it (Hardie Holdings - will mean something to the Aussies amongst you). They felt that this candidate had more experience, in this issue, in reading the associated reports and EIR's and DPs and LEPs (Environmental Impact Reports/Development Proposals/Local Environmental Plans) etc...and he did.

(But that is not all Council is about. And I'm a pretty fast learner, for a blonde. But I digress...)

Plus, this group discussed it amongst themselves, without raising it at the party meetings. It only came out in a private conversation with the party leader, the day after our last meeting, which lead to his phone call. So much for increased transparency and honesty, the bedrock of our campaign for council!

My initial feelings were of anger and defiance. I told him I was not prepared to just quietly back down and wanted to think about it. He was really supportive, very disappointed too at the way this issue had been raised, but able to see both points of view - we both have particular strengths as candidates, and either would make a good running partner from his point of view. Also, and importantly, the community groups form the support team for this little local party - any bad feelings or dissent risks undermining the whole team. We agreed that, unless either one of us was prepared to back down, we should put the #2 slot to a secret ballot of the party at the next meeting as the fairest way to decide. Since we were all about to go away on holiday, that was nearly 2 weeks away.

The next 24 hours was quite interesting. What had been a little head cold suddenly decided to become laryngitis - with so much to think about and talk about, suddenly I couldn't talk at all! It was great. Everything had come to a screaming halt - and as soon as I realised this, I started to look at why, and to wonder what the message was for me.

That's when I realised how much I was putting on the line if I actually got on Council - my life, and most especially, the wee man's life.

We've been through a lot in the last couple of years, and particularly the last 6 months. I have been very conscious of a certain amount of anger he has felt towards me, as the one he perceives as the instigator of the breakup of his family unit. I understand that, and want to be able to work with him to help him heal those feelings. And I realised that my Council dream would take me further away from him, and give him more reason to be angry at me...and that was the last thing I wanted.

So, a couple of days later, when I had something of a voice I called the party leader back and told him to drop me...waaay down the ticket, where I had no chance of making it onto council. I am still going to run, to support the party and make a group voting ticket possible, and because I believe in what they are trying to achieve, and because it will be a valuable learning experience. There's no sour grapes - I'm still a bit peeved and disappointed at the way the local group handled the matter, but I'm a big girl, and I know politics is always a dirty game...even this close to home.

All the more reason for me to run in 4 years time, when the wee man is much older, and I'm a little wiser, and backed by people I can trust and who can trust me...

A (Very) Short Career in Politics

*Insert copious and effusive apologies for long absence of regular blogging - include butt-kicking etc. Repeat as required.*

Yes, I know...it's been a while. And it wouldn't surprise me if I'm sitting here talking to myself by now - anyone who has had the patience to hang in there waiting to see if I was ever going to show up again needs to facilitate a workshop in patience skills so I can enrol...!

It has been a busy time for me, with the usual committee-related activities spiced with the beginning of the lead-up to the Council elections in September, culminating in the school holidays over the last 2 weeks.

Last week, though, things briefly came to a grinding halt as the combination of a phone call and a (thankfully brief!) bout of laryngitis gave me a couple of quiet days to look carefully at my life and the choices I was making.

A bit over a month ago, mutual acquaintances had put me in touch with a present councillor who was not running again, but was interested in supporting local candidates who were interested in supporting the issues and community groups he had been putting so much energy into. I went along to a meeting and by the end was thrilled that we all seemed to coming from the same place, were fielding a party supported by many local community groups, with values of transparency and community consultation, and the group had offered me number 2 on the ticket. (In the scheme of things, this gave me a reasonably good chance of getting on council - the #1 on a well-supported group ticket usually gets in, and the #2 has perhaps more than a 50% chance of also getting in, depending on preferences.)

We continued to have fortnightly meetings, and shared emails with ideas and layouts for brochures, flyers and manifestos. Together with the leader of the party and the current councillor, I went to several public community meetings throughout the area to hear the issues that galvanised them, and to show support for the difficulties they were facing with the present council. I was flat out, enthused and inspired. The wee man went away for 2 WHOLE WEEKS with his father to visit his father's family, and despite missing him like a constant dull ache, I was really too busy to mope.

Then the phone call, and my full stop...

The call was from the leader of the party.

And now I have to run - stay tuned, I'll be back soon to update you on what happened next.... xxx

Weekly Winners, Sunday Meme

Oh dear - I am not quite the loyal correspondent, am I? Can I show you some more pretty pictures, for lovely Lotus' photo meme (Sarcastic Mom), and beg your forgiveness another day?

Life is good, full and busy. The election campaign is about to begin in earnest - more on that another day.

Here's looking at us:





The wee man likes a hearty breakfast, inside and out.




My beautiful Miss Mahlia, perfecting her studio poses.




The wee man is showing a keen interest in photography, too.




My little imps




On our way to our playgroup Teddy Bear's Picnic




Boy's eye view...







We do have fun with this parachute...and so does my camera.




Have to say I was rather proud of this trifle I made for the picnic - it tasted as good as it looked!

Weekly Winners, Sunday Meme AND the Big 100!

Well, well, well...here I am at Post 100. No deep introspection here. Some colour and light, a little peek at my world this week.

Visit Lotus at Sarcastic Mom if you like photographs - she amazes me on a weekly basis with her original perspectives (and wicked wit), and she hosts this fine photo meme.






We did each other's make-up - guess who is not getting a call-back...?




All action at the playdough table...





Artist at work.





From this, I could make...





Scarface Claw





My zygocactus blooms, signalling winter.





...and its translucent beauty at sunset sends my shutter finger crazy...